The Fine Line Between Being Selfless and Selfish

Themes: Quality of life, boundaries, self-care
Helpful for: Anxiety, relationships, trauma

In the many discussions of self-care around the mental health world, the idea of being selfish often enters the conversation. Many people are afraid to complete or engage in self-care for the fear of being seen as selfish. Instead, they’d rather be seen as selfless. This conversation has led me to really evaluate what the difference is between being selfish and being selfless - because the line seems pretty thin.

Selfish v. Selfless

Let’s talk about what these two terms mean for a second. The idea of being selfless really means to put others’ needs before your own. It means focusing on, taking care of, and letting the focus be on everyone around you. Selfishness is the exact opposite - when all you do is focus on yourself and your needs. Unfortunately more often than we’d like, we aim to be selfless and wind up coming off as selfish. But why is that?

A Real Life Example

Imagine that you have gotten to know a local man who is homeless. As you begin chatting, you learn more about him while giving him a chance to have a warm meal and a drink. Time passes and as the weather changes, you think to ask him if there’s anything that he needs. He says he needs a t-shirt because his is beginning to rip. You immediately know that’s something you can provide and you head to the store to grab a 5-shirt pack. When you return to give the man the pack of shirts, he’s grateful. It’s easy to feel selfless in that moment - and the act of doing good feels great! Then, you watch the man open the pack, put on one shirt and walk across the parking lot to put the rest in the Goodwill donation bin. Your jaw drops because… well, why? Immediately those selfless feelings start to become selfish. You question why he would do that to you and with your gift.

Selfless Becomes Selfish

Back up a second: the man asked for A SINGLE shirt. Even if he had asked for 40, the point that remains is that once you do something or give something to someone, you are no longer in control with what they do or how they choose to react. Selflessness becomes selfishness when you seek to control the outcome of a situation like that. Instead, pause and think. Perhaps this man only wanted one because excess doesn’t really do him good. He has no where to put extra shirts and it would get ruined, wasting even more than a single shirt. Bringing that empathy and understanding forward is the best way to keep selflessness from becoming selfishness. This discussion is also a great reminder when it comes to self-care, as self-care is something that allows us to really sit in the middle of the spectrum of selfishness and selflessness. It’s important to find time to care for ourselves. A healthy mind and body is the best way to avoid creating problems out of the good you’re doing for yourself - and others!