Navigating the Fine Line Between Need and Expectation

Themes: Quality of life, boundaries, relationships, needs
Helpful for: Anxiety, relationships, childhood trauma

A conversation that often comes up in therapy is the difference between a need and an expectation. This is often at play when dealing with someone who is a people pleaser or someone who struggles with accountability. The most important thing about navigating these two ideas is learning to ask the right question: What do I need vs.What do people expect from/of me? Let’s break it down:

Need vs. Expectation

“Need” is a basic concrete concept. It’s something that’s required to help your functioning stay in top shape. It’s often things that people can see and unfortunately, they’re things that can get ignored quickly. Expectation, on the other hand, is a bit tricky. It’s all about what you think should happen in any given situation - and what others think should happen from or with you, too. What’s hard about expectations is that they breed entitlement, which can be damaging to your relationships and experiences.

The Triple Es: Expect, Expectation, and Entitlement

Expect is like that little voice inside your head saying, "You know what? I should totally do this thing." It’s the subtle push that keeps you on your toes. Then there’s Expectation, the drama queen of the group. Once you’ve done the thing, expectation swoops in with grandiose visions of how it should all turn out. Then, when reality doesn’t match up, here comes Entitlement, pointing fingers and playing the blame game. None of that really sounds like much fun, if we’re being honest. But the reality is that almost none of what we experience around the three E’s is actually real. It’s not concrete. They’re thoughts and confabulations. And that’s the most important thing to remember.

Finding Your Reliable Ride

Think of it this way: the Triple Es are like that beat-up junkyard car that gets you to your destination once but leaves you stranded on the side of the road when it counts. What you really need are sturdy emotional vehicles rooted in genuine need and personal accountability—reliable rides that won’t leave you hanging when the going gets tough. This is a process full of learning new skills that takes time but really helps you when the going gets tough. Accountability is going to be one of your new best friends. Learning to take responsibility for yourself and your actions - and what you need to feel your best - is important. Amidst the chaos of expectations, there’s one question that matters: What do I actually need? It’s a simple question with profound implications and will help us sort out what we need to listen to… and allow us to avoid those three E’s. So, there you have it: the differences between "Need" and "Expectation”!