The Well

Themes: Emotional regulation
Helpful for: Anxiety, stress, relationships, impulse control

There was a boy I knew and his story always reminds me that there’s a fine line between being tough and being mean. His story has taught me that impulsivity is a quick ride, but it can result in a long walk of apologies afterwards. This is a story I share when someone is struggling with emotional regulation - or the idea of being able to experience emotions in a manner that is socially acceptable and yet flexible. Really, it’s a good reminder that blowing up at someone can feel good in the short-term but horrible in the long-term.

Let me tell you that story.

This boy and his family weren’t too well off. Their mother had grown up poor too, and learned to sacrifice a lot to protect her younger siblings from beatings or other punishments. The stories of that maltreatment had been passed down from the mother to her children - her daughters and her son. They had been told that if they visited their grandmother, they’d likely be beaten by a switch or starved for the day. In an effort to break the cycle, this mother worked hard to keep her children away from her own mother. But sometimes, things change. One afternoon, that little boy and his sisters had to stay with their grandmother. Their mother asked and reminded her son to try and behave - to avoid giving her mother any reason to ask him to fetch a switch. But, this little boy was volatile. He was growing up in a hard life and yet, he also knew that if he came too close to his grandmother, he’d lose it. He’d hurt her the way she’d hurt her own children. So, his mother asked him to avoid that at all costs. She encouraged him to walk away, if needed, just to avoid any issues. And that visit went exactly how his mother and sisters said it would. Before long, his grandmother told him to go get a switch because of his behavior. Instead, he grabbed some peanut butter and a sleeve of crackers, walked out the door, and planted himself just out of her reach outside her window. That’s where he stayed - even as his grandmother yelled for him, he taunted her. He stayed just out of reach. His grandmother continued to get more agitated because she wasn’t in control - wasn’t able to control him. Eventually, his mom showed up. He took one look at her and said he kept his word. His mom laughed and told him he did a good job. In that moment, he realized he had owned this hard situation - and so did his mom. She’d never seen anyone put her mother in her place like that, all without lifting a finger. But, it wasn’t easy. He reminded her that it was merely 400 feet that kept him from getting mean.

Being Tough or Being Mean

This boy’s story taught me that the line between being mean to someone (or ourselves) and simply being tough is so short. While the short-term gains of taking out his frustration on his grandmother for everything she did to her family might have felt good… in the long run, there would have been some major problems and apologies to hand out. When you’re struggling with emotional regulation, you might feel as if your temper gets the best of you more often than not. Whether it’s words or a physical reaction, you go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds and that transitions from tough to mean happens without you even realizing. Try to think of our friend: would it have felt good in the end to beat up an old crippled lady? Or was it just smarter to sit outside with a snack and stay out of reach? The justification for that swing would have worn off quickly. Instead, creating a safe space where you can bring your emotions back into check is the way better option. Emotional regulation is HARD. Especially when you’re in situations like our friend. Learning how to bring your body and mind back into a state that feels more manageable is key. That comes from physical movement, meditation, and other emotional skills. But the first is reminding yourself that the space between that tough and mean reaction is simply a matter of seconds. The line is so close - but it doesn’t have to be. With time and counseling, learning how to be more in charge of your emotions is an easy skill to learn!