Emotional Regulation: Be a Traffic Cone

Themes: Emotional regulation
Helpful for: Anxiety, stress, trauma

Struggling to keep your emotions in check can be one of the hardest things we have to do as humans. Whether it’s keeping a lid on the frustration or anger you feel when something goes wrong, or learning to slow down tears or even yelps of joy - emotional regulation is a part of what we do every day. It’s not always easy to regulate our emotions. This is a skill set that we have to practice and use regularly to strengthen… and sometimes that can feel overwhelming. As a mental health counselor, I work with clients on emotional regulation all the time! Over the years, one of the most helpful metaphors I’ve come up with to discuss emotional regulation skills is actually all about traffic: traffic lights, stop signs, and traffic cones. These everyday items are the key to understanding how to build and develop emotional regulation skills.

Let’s talk about traffic metaphors.

Should you be at a traffic light? Let’s start by thinking about stop lights. Stop lights involve a lot of control. You’re told if you can go, slow down, or if you have to stop. There’s lights, cameras, and lots of people watching to make sure you don’t go anywhere you’re not supposed to. It’s overwhelming and sometimes we freeze and just wait for someone else to tell us what to do. Not a lot of thinking on our part. Should you be a stop sign? Now, think about a stop sign. There’s a lot less control there - no cameras and many times, people roll right through them. They ignore stop signs. We’re ignoring the guidance given to us and ignoring the little voices telling us what’s going on. Should you be a traffic cone? What about a traffic cone? While an initial response might be to think of them as a doormat, traffic cones are actually pretty resilient little buggers. You can’t exactly run them over or you’ll risk hurting yourself and your car. Instead, you have to mind where they’re laid out - those winding detours, direct routes, or specific traffic variations. Personally, I love traffic cones. They’re silent, durable, resilient, and you have to follow them. While you (or the DOT) can change the pattern, once the cones are set up, you have a set path to navigate through. I know, you’re wondering how my love letter to traffic cones is helpful when it comes to mental health, but that’s just it. Emotional regulation issues occur when someone isn’t sure of the path to govern their emotions into a healthier state. They’re stuck at the traffic light - in a highly controlled setting that isn’t theirs, or they’re rolling through the stop signs and ignoring all the signs. Instead, I invite you to think about traffic cones to improve your regulation. Learning what works for you is how you build a path to healthier emotional regulation using traffic cones. Once you know the path that makes the most sense, you can build a route of cones for yourself - whether that’s specific thought patterns, mindfulness activities, mediation, or other processing activities. You no longer have to guess about what will make you feel better. Now, you have a plan you can pull out at any time. Using that detailed pathway outlined by traffic cones allows you to end up where you need to every single time - instead of wandering around stalling at a light or coasting through a stop sign.

Let’s break down the terms we discussed next.

What is “emotional regulation?”

The idea of emotional regulation is that we have control over our emotional state. We’re able to navigate behaviors and reactions to our emotions. Maybe that means being able to reduce anger or anxiety with our thought processes, hiding outward signs of fear or sadness, or learning to focus on what makes us happy and calms us. For many of us, the process of down-regulating emotions (coming out of a heightened emotional state) is the most common skill set needed. Why does emotional regulation matter? As we age, it becomes less socially acceptable to throw a tantrum or cry hysterically in public. Instead, we learn to maintain and regulate these intense emotions for ourselves and others to create a safe space to be, live, and engage. Emotional regulation can be difficult if you’re in periods of high stress, grief, trauma, or have never learned these skill sets. It’s something we commonly work on in therapy! How do I build up my traffic cones? Working with a therapist to discover what kind of coping mechanisms work best for you is a great way to improve your traffic cone pathway! As you learn what helps you feel more in control of your emotional state, you’ll find improved quality of life and emotional health.