Resilience/Determination - Applying Your Try

Themes: Resilience
Helpful for: Anxiety, trauma

The ideas of “determination” and “resiliency” have been commonly linked for years. In fact, sometimes people use them interchangeably. But the reality is that determination and being resilient are not the same thing, from an emotional standpoint. The use of determination is often unsustainable and should be a temporary thing. Oftentimes, people try to apply a determined mindset to a situation or experience when they should be utilizing resilience. Today, let’s break down what each of these skills is, how we use them, and what our cycles of determination and resiliency can look like.

Determination Basics

Some of the most determined people I know are people who came from the world of “less” and struggle with their own self-esteem and self-worth now. For years, they have chased and achieved (probably over achieved, honestly) better than anyone I know. They’re determined to change their lives and will push through with any means necessary. But, they’re also the people who burn out the fastest. Individuals who are filled with the mindset of “being less” or “having less” are often so determined because they want to better themselves or their situations - which is not a bad thing! But, determination can quickly become stubbornness, especially if they become perfectionists who won’t fail or take “no” for an answer.. Those individuals aren’t going to give up… even if whatever they’re doing may not have even worked in the first place. Although determination is a really wonderful skill to have, it’s not helpful if you get to a point where nothing is changing for you. Instead, many negative emotional responses begin to show like: anger, isolation (particularly emotional cutoff) and victimization. Resentment can form feelings of “conspiracies” against them - think, “Why does everything bad happen to me?”. Those feelings and emotions are so easy to get stuck in, particularly if you’re constantly operating from a place of determination.

The Emotional Gap: AKA the Grand Canyon

It becomes easier to drop into an emotional gap or “Grand Canyon”, as I like to call it. In that canyon are feelings of depression, despair, anxiety and hypervigilance. Everyone has a different canyon and range of responses, but those are some of the most common. Once you’ve arrived in your Grand Canyon, you’re met by the feeling of “bottomlessness”, that “less”’ feeling you’ve been running from has found you again. And now, the cycle has to begin all over again: pushing through to become better, staying determined, burning out, and falling down the cycle. It’s not the most fun ride, right?

Resiliency Basics

Resiliency should be looked at as an emotional cycle. The main components include: awareness, understanding, and acceptance. I also like to include forwarding empathy. If determination is all about continuing to push forward, resiliency should be thought about in terms of “trying” instead of believing in a pas/fail mentality. Determination requires a black or white answer. Resiliency just requires that you get up and try. There is no right or wrong answer to any situation with this mindset. Every situation uses those ideas of awareness, understanding, and acceptance - there is grace and less perfectionism here. When you think of that emotional Grand Canyon, resiliency really comes into play. It’s a great filler - it helps you move back up and out of the bottom of the canyon. With a resilience-based mindset, you are never “less”. You understand and are aware that if you’re showing up and doing your best, you’re more than enough.

Real Life Application

Imagine a fancy resort, think of the ones you might find a movie star visiting. Now, imagine you’re someone who feels like they come from that world of “less”. Visiting a vacation spot like that might make you feel like you’ve made it, right? So, consider this: you’ve decided to take a trip and are determined to make the most of it, to prove you belong there, and that you’ve arrived at where you need to be. Your experience might not be all that great. Instead of relaxing and enjoying what’s going on, you may try to cram everything in. You don’t understand why people aren’t paying attention to you or acknowledging how much you’ve achieved to be there. Even the lazy river would feel too slow and drawn out! That incredible experience you were hoping for is starting to go down the tubes… FAST. It becomes really easy to feel as if this is all happening because of you - because you didn’t deserve it, didn’t work hard enough and were “less”. But, what if you applied an approach of resiliency to your experience (remember: awareness, understanding and acceptance). Even if everything that could go wrong on that trip went wrong (the weather was awful, the food was horrible, you got sick), you’d still be able to enjoy yourself. You’d understand that you’re going for the experience and find ways to enjoy yourself. Not only that, but you’d be able to understand that your bad experience is not because you’re “less”. Being more empathetic about what’s happening around you allows you to step back and look at the possibilities of everything around you. Instead of falling into your emotional canyon, you can stay up on top and take in that experience for what it is. Remember: you’ve TRIED and that’s what counts. You went anyway, did your best to do what you could in the situation you were in and that’s all that matters. Resiliency is about applying your try - to everything going on.

Determination and Resilience

One last thought: determination is like clinging to a wall and hoping you don’t fall off. Inevitably you do, and you just keep trying and falling, trying and falling… for the rest of time. Resiliency means you’re becoming part of the wall. You never fail because it’s a part of you and you’re a part of it. It’s not really about the situations you’re thrown into in life, it’s what you’re choosing to do about it (or how you react) that matters most.