Stagnant vs. Fluid Boundaries

Themes: Quality of life, boundaries
Helpful for: Anxiety, relationships, depression, childhood trauma, trauma

Ever heard someone talk about “boundaries” when it comes to therapy? In a way, the term has become a bit of a buzzword, but the concept is simple. A boundary simply means a limit set to help protect the participation of an individual (or group) in a relationship or activity. Boundaries are meant to keep us safe and empower us to make decisions that feel right for our physical and mental health. Over the years as a counselor, I’ve helped my clients define their boundaries and also learn when to have stagnant or fluent boundaries.

What’s a stagnant boundary?

A stagnant boundary is one that’s very rigid. It’s meant to keep something or someone out, no exceptions. It’s protective, but that’s all that it is. A rigid or stagnant boundary is like a huge brick wall. Nothing is coming in - or going out.

So, what’s a fluent boundary?

A fluent boundary still protects you but is more flexible. Fluent boundaries expand and shift to keep the bad things out but also allow the good things in. A fluent boundary is more like a door you can open and shut. You’re able to keep the things you really don’t want out and let in the ones that you do. Still protective - just more flexible.

How do you decide which to use?

Well, that’s the question isn’t it. To illustrate when a fluent boundary might make more sense, let’s look at an example.

Every year, your sister-in-law hosts Thanksgiving. She’s a wonderful host and it’s always a great experience - good food, easy conversation, and to the point. You don’t have to linger for hours with strangers. It’s intimate, cozy, and perfect. But, one year - she gets hurt and wants to have everyone get together at a restaurant. Right away, that’s not something you want to do. It’s no longer the holiday you’ve imagined. So, you might be on edge.

Imagine how you might feel if you then find out that your mother-in-law is planning to bring her new beau to Thanksgiving too. Now you’re arriving at the restaurant to find some stranger sitting at the head of the table - on top of having to be out in an unfamiliar space. Here, you’ve got two options for how you react. One, you lose it. Completely. Maybe you ask a million questions of the stranger or just let way too lose about how you feel about them being there. The other option is to order your turkey, eat it, and be quiet. Stay reserved - engage, but limit what you’re doing and how you’re choosing to react.

Those two reactions showcase different boundaries. A stagnant boundary is the harsh response. You’re keeping EVERYTHING out - protecting yourself. With a fluent boundary, you can be flexible and be open to the idea of something good entering your bubble - without being harsh and overly protective. You’re still keeping your space and protecting yourself from what could be bad… but you’re less reactive.

Fluent boundaries are my personal favorite kind of boundaries to set. They allow us to let the good things pass into us, and keep the bad things out - a way to have the best of both worlds while still setting guidelines for how you engage with your environment. Boundaries are meant to protect us, but it’s important to remember that building walls can keep everything out - good and bad. When deciding what kind of boundaries to use in your own life, think about the potential outcomes and how you wish to participate with those around you!